Fall apart and start again

27 Nov
photo © 2016 Robert JE Simpson. All Rights Reserved.

photo © 2016 Robert JE Simpson. All Rights Reserved.

“Hold your breath and count to ten. Fall apart and start again…”

Healing involves change. It is impossible for things to go back as they once were, the scars reshape our countenance. That doesn’t mean things have to be totally different, but one needs to accept the changes, grand and subtle.

As I continue my healing process I evolve. I recognise more of my failings, things holding me back, and I seek to improve. Compared to a year ago I am a different person. But I’m still held back from achieving full potential. Fear does that a lot. Fear of failure. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear of making the same mistakes.

But that’s all very negative. Destructively so, because if fear rules then I don’t take chances. And then I never progress personally or professionally. And so I’m pushing past the fear as best I can.

I’m in the middle of overhauling my social media profiles. Regenerating my presence. I had left myself too exposed, shared too much for too long. Let it be an outlet at times when I should have said nothing.

It’s difficult to turn one’s back on a decade of posts, photos, memories, but it’s the right thing to do. A clean slate to make new memories, new conversations.

All summer and winter Facebook has assailed me with memories of my past, and far too often they were memories of the abusive relationship that nearly killed me. Photos would be highlighted; comments under other posts showed her name, more photos. Memories start flooding back. Caught up in a nascent relationship in the present, I panicked, projected, and began the descent into another break down – my first in years. Without that social media I don’t believe this would have happened, or certainly not as severely. It won’t be allowed to happen again.

And so it’s all going. I’m going to have to part with the positive memories too, but the cleanse is the only way to move forward now, and I’ve been putting it off for a long time. A brand new profile. Like a new identity – its me. But one in which the narrative has yet to be set.

I’ve begun my clear out of possessions too – also imbued with memories of the past. I’m as much a hoarder as a collector, and I can no longer see the wood for the trees – I don’t need it. I want to build a future for myself. An existence unencumbered by associations. Anything I keep around me should be positive, not negative. I want to be able to pursue the career and indeed life path I need without holding back. Less clutter. Less retrospectivity. Less baggage.

My other social media profiles will regenerate too. Some more obviously than others. A little less of me is no bad thing. Whatever latent narcissism I may possess, is just going to have to learn how to begin again. A comparatively clean slate. A space for a new me, a new life. One in which I push myself and be the best version of me I can be.

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