22 Nov

Everything ends. Closure is vital for healing. Without it our minds spiral, caught always wondering. Recognising and accepting it isn’t always easy. And sometimes we are left without the closure we need – injustices left unpunished, things left unsaid, ourselves wanting.

With that in mind I’m bringing part of this blog to an end, and am making some rare redactions. I’ve let too much of me on display at times. I’ve upset people that matter to me. I have frightened them away. My expositions are colouring impressions in a negative and misleading way. I am hurting myself as a result. And it cannot continue.

I am changing the tone. It will remain personally flavoured but differently so. My relationships are off limits from now on, in the blog and in my private life. I’ve unwittingly damaged those I’ve pursued as I let my stream of conscious flow. I crossed a line I wish I hadn’t.

While I will try and depersonalise some of the narrative, I will maintain some personal content relating to my mental health issues and the affects of my abusive experiences on my life. I do not wish to be a victim. But there is still much work to be done on both issues, and too many struggle to accept that someone can exist with mental health problems and live a normal life. Even more struggle to accept a man can be abused by a woman, but it is important I continue to speak the truth on that matter – the abuse was real, it happened, and it happens for thousands of others every day. It does not define me, but it has shaped me.

I must, however, be more conscious about the way that my words can be used against me and others close to me.

It is time to shut the door on the past. My living space is swamped with shit and it needs set free. I shall be ebaying and dumping in the coming weeks. It is OK to say goodbye to memories. I don’t need every tiny bit of personal memorabilia. It clusters my mind and my life. It leaves me living in an unhealthy past, blinkered to the positives of the present.

There are those who think I cannot change, but they are wrong. I evolve constantly. I have been healing and continue to heal. I will conquer those challenges which put themselves in my life. I would prefer to have a partner with me, but I fear that my frankness and past makes me an impossible prospect. And so I must live alone.

I am putting myself first, and will embrace the positive things in my life. This year has been amazing and I can’t loose sight of that. Next year will be even better. As this incarnation of my writing closes, something else opens up. It regenerates – the same thing but different. Give it a chance, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: