You done my brain in

28 Aug

Tick tock tick tock, no matter what you do, no matter where you turn, once the fuse has been lit, it really is only a matter of time before you explode. Tick.. tick… tick… BOOM!

Try to explain to someone where your head is at or why you look like you are about to murder someone (that’s a figure of speech folks) and you may end up with blank looks and more questions than you ever bargained for.

For me it was constant questions about my past that really helped to seal the deal. I never had any problem answering questions, why would I, I believe in being open and transparent. But my answers were never quite good enough. There was a point when I had given all, been completely honest, laid all my cards on the table, and yet my audience believed that there was another story to be told and sought it out.

In a fling, or a work relationship (ie. professional, non-sexual), or maybe even a friendship, you can skip over details, leave things out. But if you’ve made promises to be honest, then that’s exactly how you have to be. And there needs to exist between you an implicit trust. We all have pasts, particularly as we get older. Statistically in our 30s and 40s we are more like to have had multiple sexual partners, been married, had kids, than in our 20s. And some of that information – even though we’ve always been kinda aware of it – might be a little upsetting or uncomfortable. But there has to come a time when you stop picking at the scars of the past, or you risk opening up a new wound that never heals, and in time become part of that wound.

Then you ruin all trust completely, and the basis of whatever relationship you have.

I have always hated being second guessed, especially when I’m being honest. You’re wrong, you don’t know me like you think you do. How can I say that? Well, because the theories you spout are full of B.S.

I’ve seen perfectly happy relationships ruined by paranoia and low self-esteem. And I’ve seen people ruined by those failings, fall into even worse relationships because they think they don’t deserve any better. So just stop it now.

Aside from destroying a relationship and your own chance at future happiness as whatever form of relationship you have, the pressure can destroy your target too. Oh the guilt I have been made to feel restrospectively, that really I should never have felt at all. And the things that I’d dealt with that I’m having to deal with a second and third time. Surely I am not alone in this suffering?!

I got tipped too far too often. And my self-esteem, already low, was further wrecked. I can’t be specific but I can say that it will ruin everything that is good if you allow paranoia to take over. Talk about things, and be prepared to listen and accept people at face value. And if that doesn’t work, go talk to a friend or a counsellor before its too late. These options can help – if done in time.

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