The curve ball of kindess

21 Jul

I’ve been accused (by some) of only saying nasty things about my estranged wife. Those that are aware of the complexity of the situation will appreciate there is certainly some anger and frustration there. But there was clearly some good too, or I would never have got married in the first place. Unfortunately its very easy to forget about the nice things and only concentrate on the bad – and I don’t just mean me in my comments, but those comments that are overheard by others. Why on earth would you report the nice bits of conversation when you can stir up trouble by only reporting the negative feedback?

At any rate, lest I go down in history as being someone who only waves the flag of bitterness and resentment about my former girlfriends and partners, let me demonstrate her ability to be nice – her curved ball of kindness, which rather bucks the trend of the last couple of years as I see it.

Last week, I had to reluctantly call round to her house to pick up a much-loved and irreplaceable Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band t-shirt. I’ve been trying to get it back ever since I discovered it had ended up in her wash basket following my departure from the house and the marriage. I’d have been outraged if it had ended up being binned (yes, my priorities are always my collectables and momentos, I really am that sad).


Twelve knitted Doctors
image © 2013 Robert J.E. Simpson. All Rights Reserved

At any rate, I’d been trying to avoid a conversation as things haven’t been particularly good lately, and the formal divorce procedure isn’t even properly underway yet. Alongside the T-shirt I was handed a box that included a present she told me she’d had for me for months – a set of knitted Doctor Who Doctors, which she made herself. According to her, she got a basic pattern from online, and then developed her own from that. Work had been started before I left, but while things were bad, and she continued.

A lovely gift, marred only by the circumstances. In another life, and another time it could have been like that Stuart and Vince moment in Queer As Folk – you know the one, where the dumb Australian Cameron’s present of a mini is outdone by a life-size K9. But alas…

Its a lovely gift, and bonus points for the 12th Doctor (gift was ready before the John Hurt revelation… we’ve/I’ve barely been talking for months).

I’m struck by the act of kindness and giving of oneself and time to create a gift for another. It was well-picked, cute etc. It doesn’t make our problems go away, or mend the relationship, and I struggled to accept it – I rather cheekily suggested she should have held on to them, got herself another Doctor Who fan boyfriend and given it to him instead, or starts making them for others – as it makes me feel awkward. But I have gifts from other people no longer in my life, or who I have fallen out of favour with. That doesn’t mean I cannot accept the gift for what it is, a gift. Albeit one that doesn’t crap all over the garden like my dog does.

At any rate, I just thought I’d share and say – yes, my ex isn’t a total shit. She can be nice.  Her kindness at times knows no bounds. It is just (I feel) that our chemistry is all wrong for a relationship. Thanks for the present.*

Now, next time you hear me say something unpleasant or negatively critical about my marriage or my ex(s), remember, I did say this nice thing, this one time… Balance m’dears…

* No thanks for making me feel like a selfish shit again though… damn this guilt…


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